Monday, December 21, 2009

He is always near, He loves you.

The last 5 days have been very hard for me. I had a pressing need and I was deeply troubled. It was one of those things that at first you say- "I would die if it doesn't work out in my favor". I cried, sobbed, wailed, called on God, asked Him to have mercy on me. Then I tried to address the problem too quickly, and I fell flat on my face. The stress was 10 times worse. I cried, cried, cried, cried again and then cried some more.

"Why me?"I kept asking. "Why me?" At first I said to myself that God is punishing me. And then after saying that I couldn't handle it. I cannot live with the thought that God is punishing me. Oh how I wanted to un-think that thought. It's interesting how such thoughts stay with you no matter how much you try to cover them up with other things.

So, what ever happened to me?

Notice that I refer to the problem in the past. It's behind me now, thanks be to God! The Lord taught or reminded me of a few things during this agonizing time.

God is good to those that seek Him
Blessed are those whose hope is in Him, the God of Jacob.
His steadfast love never ceases.
His faithfulness endures throughout all generations.
He never sleeps.
He cares.The battle belongs to the Lord.
He knows my need even before I speak it.
God is near, He is with us, He is in us.

I read in my devotional that we cannot influence God's love. This was very profound and resonated with me. I was trying to influence God's decision in answering my prayer by telling Him to remember the 'good' things that I had done. I was really desperate and at that time I thought I could persuade Him by reading through my resume of 'good' deeds. "Remember how I helped so and so. remember how I serve you in church, remember this and that etc."

You cannot influence God's Love. He chooses to love you because He himself is Love. He loves you because He is He!

Deuteronomy 7:7-9

"The LORD did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. 8 But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. 9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."

His faithfulness endures throughout all generations. God is not a man that He should lie.

Put all of your hope in the Lord. He blesses those that put their hope in Him.

Psalms 146:5

"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God."

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, Great is His faithfulness.

The Lord doesn't willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men. He is Love and would never destroy us. He is love, and that would be going against His nature. His anger lasts only for a moment but His Love will abound.

Psalms 30:5

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Lamentations 3: 22, 33

"Because of the Lord's great Love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail."
"For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

The Lord fought for me and rescued me. I will then praise His name and proclaim of His glory. The Lord is good to those that seek him with a broken heart. I will not put my hope in people, nor in prices or the highly and well connected people. Every good thing comes from the Lord and it is better to wait on Him.

Psalms 30:11-12

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."

It is my prayer that I will continue to seek the Lord in everything that I do, and to trust him with all my heart.

I write all these passages on here because they gave me comfort in my time of need. God's word was like a soothing oil for my afflicted soul. I found great comfort in these passages and others that I haven't included here.
I write them down in my blog partly to help anyone who might feel downtrodden and anyone who doesn't feel that the Lord is near. Also I write all these to remind me of His great love and that He is always near.

Again. Thanks be to God!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Are you beautiful?

Hello there. You certainly didn't think I deserted you! No no I did not. I'm here. Just took a long break coz things are getting so busy with school. Men I cannot wait to be done. Time is running fast.

A lot has happened lately. Oh something exciting! you know I like to make crafts right? So for Halloween I was Cleopatra of Egypt. I was particularly proud of the costume which was all homemade! Thanks to my being broke! Anyway I'll post a picture. It was amazing. We had a work party at my boss's house like we always do, and my theme (together with a colleague) was Egyptian. He was a mummy. We won (not like it means anything much) the most accurately portrayed theme. We were committed to playing the part. Good job! (pat on the back).

So last Sunday I went to an adult Sunday School class that is being offered at my church. It has been running for like three weeks now but I never could make it until some friends of mine convinced me that I would like it. The class was good- I don't regret going at all. We talked about doubt.

Well the topic resonated with me because I have experienced doubt in my life in more than one occasion, mostly when I turned my back to God and thought that I could do it on my own. I shared with the class how faithful I was on depending on God until I came to the US and suddenly, if I worked hard, I was entitled to good rewards! No that's not the way it worked for me before. See I would work so hard my fingers hurt, and that did not mean anything! not at all. I still had to pray to The Almighty for help as if I had not put in the work. As I was sharing, I realized that that is what I was doing wrong and I made a point of repenting earnestly to Him. I'll work hard and remember to always acknowledge Him in all my ways. I should make Proverbs 3:5-6 my motto.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

So anyway, other things came to mind on Sunday. I was thankful for the blessings that God has given me in my life. I was especially thankful to him for the opportunities that He has afforded me. And Also my boyfriend. Yes, we're still dating even though he is miled away;) I still love him.

So it got me thinking... I know, I don't think much and when I do it's not good. Right? kidding!

So, my question (to self) was, when did I realize that life is not all about partying, having a good time, dating the most attractive person you meet (not that mine is not attractive. He is- physically and inward) and being the envy of every superficial girl? When did I stop being superficial, when did I start seeing the big picture?

I used to think and even fantasize about going out with the most attractive man on the planet. The man I chose to rule my fantasies was Dylan Mcdermott. He was and still is sexy. But when I came back to reality, I fantasized about dating the neighbors kid. The light skin, clean shaven one.

If I knew I'd grow up and value good human relationships, I would not have cried my eyes out when that very handsome boy broke my heart. That one that every girl wanted to have and I felt extra special when he chose me. Do girls who are doing that now know that those beautiful men are jerks most of the time and have nothing to offer? No skills at all, cannot hold a conversation to save their lives? I lost a lot of precious time with this kind. Sadly.

I was watching a music video on youtube by some rising musical stars from Kenya- 'Just a Band'. In one of their videos, there's this really handsome guy, kinda beautiful in some way. For a moment I was in the 'zone' once again and I thought that I would love to have him. He is super good looking!

There was a time when such guys gave me the goose bumps, seriously. I wanted one of these but no, they did not look at girls like me. They went for those who offered much more than I could (read HOES). So when I got one, in my 20s I was on top of the world. I knew other girls liked or even loved him, but he chose me! Life was good. I like dto think that there was something special that he had seen in me and that is why he chose me. My 'high' didn't last for long, because I was one of many girls that he was seeing.

Back to the Youtube video guy...
What he does most, even in the 3 minute video, is play on his phone. I'm not sure whether he is texting or has some important e mail...nah, probably facebook stalking.

See that would drive me nuts if I was with him. And hat snapped me out of 'the zone'. I was thankful that I was with someone with whom I can have a conversation and I know he is listening.
Then the guy goes to a bus stop to wait for the bus. There's a beautiful girl also at the stop. Does he talk to her, even say good morning? NO! It was disappointing. I know it's a video, but it happens in real life. He totally checked her out but didn't say hi. It's like he is waiting for her to make the first move. Pitiful, just pitiful.
I have noticed that with attractive people- the ones that know that they are, they don't invest their time in developing a personalities. You know what I say to them? "You best get a personality soon coz your face won't last forever". Harsh? nah, It's perfect :)

Well I went off on a tangent there. So I remembered that I was vain, I was superficial, I was selfish. I'd like to think that I have grown out of that, and I'm happy that I have.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


You know a song I really like- Human by The Killers. I absolutely love it and I'm not sure what emotion that song is reminiscent of but it gives me this feeling where I get very emotional. It's kind of like my life is defined by songs.
Do you have that? I mean songs that remind you a particular person or event or time in your life? Sometimes I like it- when it's good memories but I think Human was at a time that I was lost. I doubted everything and I had no prospects. I was home sick like hell and I was a lacklustre individual at the time. I had no passions, nothing could get me excited...I was surviving. Lifeless.

It's been a while since I last wrote on here. Partly because I think that I should just transfer to a journal and also because school is keeping me very busy. I might get a journal, I feel 'safer' that way. I think I can write about my very real feelings in a journal. I pray that it never gets into the wrong hands. Blogging is kinda fun, It was a fun project for me when I needed it, but I seem to never have the time to write. Oh I just remembered that I should write my youngest brother a letter. I want to surprise him that way. I think it will do him good. Nothing feels better than receiving a hand written letter. Its one of those things that should have stayed 'in vogue'. I like that personal touch letters have.

So what was I going to write about? I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful for health. I'm thankful that even if I don't have all that I could wish for write now- the important thigs in my life (right now) are taken care of. I'm thankful for a sound mind. I'm thankful for family and friends. I'm thankful.

I need to stop whining and start appreciating and being more thankful. I remember what I did to get over a certain someone who'd broken my heart. I served other people. I became that person who called up friends to see how they were doing. I called friends into my house and prepared dinner for them. I served others. It ceased to be all about me. It was all about my friends. And it felt dang good.

I need those endorphins. In giving, I get a high like no other. Endorphins are GOOOOOODDDDD. I need that high right now- coz I'm going down. I can feel it coming. So I'm going to start my youngest brother's letter. I'll make him my penpal...even though he may not be able to mail me a letter. I still will write him.

There's so much else that I wanna say but I cannot say it here. I think I'll be getting a journal. Thanks fellow bloggers or 'blog stalkers that hide in the shadows' I used to be one so I know. Take a plunge...write something and see how it feels. I may be talking to myself, but it works for me that I think someone reads this junk. I'll write good stuff here and the real stuff, will be in a journal.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

1st week down. yay!

This is the beginning of the end. HELLO! watch out!

So first week of school is done, and I'm so grateful for the long weekend. Labor day weekend. Classes were ok and I've received so much advisement (from my major advisers) that I think I'm advised out.
Now I think I've decided to go into international agricultural development. The downside of this new venture is that I'm not sure how easy it'll be to get my foot in the door. But if this doesn't work out (I pray it works out) I'll have to look for a job in industry and work work work work.

I thought I would take this women's studies class- just the intro class but I think not. I changed my mind on Thursday and decided to take intro to International development. Sorry Dr. Hyer.

Chemistry is kind of ok. I'm really scared. I need to pass Biochem and O chem. My heart does a flatter when I think of this. I'm scared as hell. That reminds me I need to do a reading for the class.

I've been kind of depressed. Maybe its anxiety coz I don't have a definite plan of what next. I'm really anxious and I'm eating A LOT! I can't stop eating! you know when you EAT after you've just EATEN and you still can't stop EATING because you know you just ATE... it's like that. and I don't wanna be fat :( oh my i'm in trouble. Now I feel like food- again!
He is worried that something is bothering me because I don't sound as excited as I used to be. Sorry honey, such is life.

I went for a mid week visit to the mall and got cute shoes for school.

I just found out that I lost my wallet. Shame! I'm worried.

I'll be going to a party later on tonight. Yay! I need a drink... no, drinks.

Peace out yall. I'll write more later on.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

boyfriends past...messy

Well. Ghosts of boyfriends past. I have to write this when it is still fresh on my mind. Damn! I'm writing so much this month.

It seems to me that almost every woman I meet is cynical or jaded or bitter about some guy who broke her heart, shattered it into pieces. And the ones who are not bitter or cynical are playing- because they've learned from the best- MEN. No one is truly in love out there. No one is hopeful out there. It makes me say DAMN MEN!

It also doesn't help that I'm in love here with the man who so far is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. All the girlfriends around me are BITTER! Gosh, I say again DAMN MEN!

When I tell them how wonderful he is. All the little good things that he does that make my heart melt like butter, all I get is "wait honey, they all start out like that then they get comfortable and you start fighting then it will be over faster than you can say 'it's over'". So, again- DAMN MEN!

Its gotten to a point where I really don't wanna share the good things happening in my life (especially if they have to do with him) with my friends. I don't wanna seem like I'm rubbing it in their faces but sometimes they'll ask, or i really wanna tell them something nice that he did. Like he ordered me pizza the other day when I did not have food in my house. Its a big deal because we're in a long distance relationship. Another thing is that when I don't keep in touch with the girls, it's because of him. No it's not because of him. I'm busy- and we're in a long distance relationship. So how is it because of him? I don't understand. Then like predictable clock work, what follows is "honey don't lose yourself". You know it...DAMN MEN!

I'm growing up, or old if you chose. And I'm starting to think of my future. It's been my dream to bring up a nice family with a very much in the picture and very much involved father figure. So because I like, no, love this man so much. I've allowed myself to fantasize of what It'd be like being married to him. I would like to be married to him. When I make my future plans, I ask him sometimes of what his plans are. I hate relationships where one party makes plans and completely ignores you, don't seek your opinion, it's like you're not even dating. 'So you'll be spending Christmas with your family in New York. Uuuuummmm we're dating here. You know I don't have family here and I haven't mentioned any plans I have to you. I was kinda hoping to spend the holidays with you'. I hate that, it's happened before and I felt so bad.
Anyhoo, I ask him of his future plans and consult him on mine because I can see a future for us kids. But to some girl (who's been hurt) I'm selling out. I'm losing myself again. I've been the witch on occasion where I thought a friend was losing herself. But it worked out for her. I guess you can be a lucky girl or your instincts are right and you're right on the money. I have good feeling about this one. If this one breaks me- I'm gonna become lesbian. I feel very strongly about that. DAMN MEN!

I spent time with a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in a while. She said that people wonder why there are so many bitchy or witchy women out there, and the reason is because so many men have screwed with their feelings and hurt them. DAMN MEN!

I feel sorry for us women. We're broken and yet we somehow crawl from that dark place and move on. We manage to put ourselves out there again. It's easier said than done- hold out little girls. The good ones are yet to be discovered or transformed. I wouldn't be surprised that my good and wonderful one right now was a jerk to someone else. We're all human. We, yes even we women have broken hearts before or ended relationships in a not so civilized way.

To all of us- we have erred. But we seek forgiveness and we hope that we're truly forgiven. We pray that karma is not so harsh on us. We long for inner peace and true contentment. Until then, we hurt.

Things happen that we're not happy with. But we decide how they affect us.

Friday, August 21, 2009

of missing home and other feelings...

......that is what I feel.

I wanna go back home,

back to Kenya,

back to the nice weather,

back to mum and dad,

back to my sister and brothers.

Back to celebrate the new good ones that were born

back to mourn the dead that have long past,

back to embrace new relations made



I want to enjoy

enjoy life for once in a long time

enjoy the food and all their nutritional value

enjoy the water

enjoy the things i take for granted- electricity, internet

enjoy friendships

enjoy living

enjoy good health

enjoy a roof over my head

enjoy the bed I sleep in

enjoy motherly care



I'll take that leap

that step in the dark

into the unknown

because they said- "east or west home is best"

the time has not yet come

but it's nearing

and scares the hell out of me

I have to graduate first

then I'll leap

I pray that loving hands will receive me.



Saturday, August 15, 2009

Art and Crafts

In primary school we had to learn art and crafts. I hated it then because I saw no need to study it. I wanted to study medical science or engineering or the law, courses my parents and many African parents would have their children do. So from a young age I grew up thinking that the Arts:- music, painting and sculpture were for "losers" (for lack of a better word).

Only in my college years did I start loving the arts, and discovered that I'm very artistic. I love to create, I love to create something from nothing. I really enjoy art history, and it was my best class in college. Forget biotechnology- I still want to save the world and I still kind of love what I'm studying (and will graduate in) but I'd love if I got to explore my artistic side and develop it further.

These are some of the things I've made recently:

I know that they're not much to brag about but when I made them I felt really pleased with myself.
The little card is made out of a magazine cover that I cut out. It was a Christmas edition so it was perfect for a wedding gift card.

The gift wrapper is for a box of chocolates a loved one bought me not too long ago. It has 'spring-y' colors and was perfect to wrap a summer wedding gift. The ribbon too is from the chocolates.

The gift is a picture frame I bought long time ago but it's been sitting in my house for so long since I stopped developing hard copies of my pictures. I really need to free my camera off the pictures (but who has time) right?
I thought the newly wedded couple will out it to better use.

The earring holder I made out of a picture frame that was falling apart. So the frame is metallic and the cloth where the earrings are hanging out of, was from ribbons from a Christmas basket (you notice they're shinny kind of). I stapled the cloth at the bottom (where the frame is standing on). The cloth goes over on the other side and I staple it at the bottom where the cloths meet.

I'll upload more pictures of my crafts as I continue to make them. School starts soon and so that means I'll step up my crafts production. who wants to study when you can make crafts?

Have a 'crafty' day :)


Monday, August 3, 2009

"When half-gods go, the gods arrive"

Give all to love;
Obey thy heart;
Friends, kindred, days,
Estate, good fame,
Plans, credit, and the muse;
Nothing refuse.

'Tis a brave master,
Let it have scope,
Follow it utterly,
Hope beyond hope;
High and more high,
It dives into noon,
With wing unspent,
Untold intent;
But 'tis a god,
Knows its own path,
And the outlets of the sky.
'Tis not for the mean,
It requireth courage stout,
Souls above doubt,
Valor unbending;
Such 'twill reward,
They shall return
More than they were,
And ever ascending.

Leave all for love;—
Yet, hear me, yet,
One word more thy heart behoved,
One pulse more of firm endeavor,
Keep thee to-day,
To-morrow, for ever,
Free as an Arab
Of thy beloved.
Cling with life to the maid;
But when the surprise,
Vague shadow of surmise,
Flits across her bosom young
Of a joy apart from thee,
Free be she, fancy-free,
Do not thou detain a hem,
Nor the palest rose she flung
From her summer diadem.

Though thou loved her as thyself,
As a self of purer clay,
Tho' her parting dims the day,
Stealing grace from all alive,
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read the quote in a short story where a teenage girl is heartbroken by her teenage boyfriend (teenage love gone sour) and her mum wrote on her mirror in red lipstick..."Heartily know that when half-gods go, the gods arrive".

Aaaaaaw how sweet!

I felt all mushy and I wished someone had told me that when my half-gods came rolling around and broke my heart.

See I've had my share of half-gods. The one who broke my heart when I loved to love, before I became cynical about love at 19. Then there was the possessive one, and the playa etc etc.
I had given up. "There is no good man left, and I'll take the ish I can deal with". That was my thing, my final decision. I'd stopped looking. Then I met him and I rediscovered that though there are a few good men, they still exist.

He came to visit. It was wonderful having him here, and so sad to have him leave. I wished he could have stayed for longer. I for the first time hated that we lived in separate states. I wanted him to stay with me and not leave me. I felt that I was losing him though he tried to comfort me by telling me that I'm not losing him. I did not want him to leave me. I felt like Pink in her song "please don't leave me". I was very sulky, but trust me you would also, after the great time we had together that weekend. Let me give you snippets of what we did on the weekend.

I picked him Up from the airport on Thursday. We went to lunch at Chillis and we got to talking. He was a little shy at first tho I tried to get him most comfortable. He started loosening up and we were good. Lunch was pleasant and I could tell that we both had a good time. We later went home and rested for a bit, and talked some more then ran some errands for my friend at the mall. Later we went grocery shopping and got some wine and his scotch whiskey and we came home and he made dinner. He also met my roommate and was great.

Friday we took my friend to the airport and he was helpful with the bags- very gentlemanly of him, and later that afternoon we picnicked up in the canyon at a quiet park. He liked it a lot. We spent the whole afternoon there, took lots of pics and talked some more. Later we went to the farmers market to get some greens, then we had coffee at a coffee joint, then we went to see my friend at work. He was great with my friends and I liked that a lot.

Saturday we had lunch with some close friends. Lunch that he was making! He made some delish chapos! and two kinds of meat- beef stew and nyama (beef) fry. He was amazing! Everybody loved his food and liked him too. That afternoon we (my two friends, him and I) went to visit a famous resort close to where I live. We took gondola lifts to the top of the mountains. It was very scenic and romantic. Then we drove to Park city and walked along main street. He enjoyed it a lot. He was also buying me gifts like every store we went to. He got me a mug with my name on it, box of assorted chocolates and flowers (on Friday).

Sunday we went to church together. I loved that I got to share that with him. He was cool and did great. He was holding my hand throughout the service. He was great- did I say that already?
After church we went to lunch at a restaurant at the mall, then walked around the mall; he got new shoes that I chose for him. I got him a key chain souvenir and a wallet coz his had seen better days. Took him around my school for a littel bit. He liked the place and now he's thinking of doing a doctorate degree at there. I'm opposed to the idea. Came home, packed and chilled (read cuddled) for a bit before I took him to the airport.

He's wonderful. And just for being nice to me, I wanna love him...actually I do love him. He says he loves me too. He was holding my hand the whole time he was here and he's not ashamed to show that he loves/cares for me. He'd peck me or kiss me on the forehead even when my friends were around. Everybody that met him couldn't help notice how good he was to me and how well he treated me. I try to be nice to him too- he hasn't complained yet.
Another thing, he's bringing out the goodness in me- he's such positive energy. He's a breath of fresh air in my dating life knowing all the losers I've dated. Like I said, I cannot be mean to him because he so nice to me and respects and believes that I deserve the best. He's very appreciative of my friendship and companionship to him.
He plans for us to date for a long time, and honestly I'm looking forward to that. I'd like to experience being in a mature relationship.
Did i mention that he picked up almost every bill when he was around? What a gentleman!

Definitely, when half gods go, the gods arrive.

Later :*

Saturday, August 1, 2009

He'll be visiting...

Now, things are going super well. He's coming to visit next week. Oh, did I spring this upon ya? Sorry. He bought his ticket a month ago and I was very shocked too. I did not believe him and he had to send me his itinerary to shown me that he actually bought the ticket to come see me.
He was surprised that I was acting all amazed about this. So I told him that I have been with some pretty crappy guys and that he bought the ticket, was kinda a first to me. You know when I casually asked him to come to Utah and see the mountains, I did not for one bit think that he was gonna take me up on my offer. We were just having casual conversation. Then about 2 weeks later I brought it up again, then he was like "when do you want me to come?" I was like "uuuummm let me check my calendar and get back to you". Seriously I had to check my calendar coz I was planning a trip to Vegas with my girls and i needed them to tell me when they planned to go. So I told him that the first or the second week of August would work for me. So like all the other guys, I thought this trip was gonna be postponed and dragged on for the longest time, then it'd just disappear in thin air.
A week later we were talking and he said something like "Oh I bet that when I come we're gonna have so much fun". I was like, "you're bought your ticket? You're coming here?" He was like "yes" in a 'did you think I was mincing my words' kinda way. So I did not believe him and he e mailed me his itinerary so that I could see for myself.
Indeedly doo, he'd bought it.

So next Thursday my friends. Next Thursday. Hmmmm. I did some grocery shopping, I went to the farmers market. I don't know why I feel so much cooler whenI go to the farmers market. In my head I have it that only the cool people go to the farmers market. That's just a random thought.

What I have planed. A picnic for the two of us. It'll be up on the mountains so that it's magical. He'd like that- I expect, knowing MN is as flat as a pancake.Mountains will do him good. You know, when you're so close to the mountains (like I am) It reminds you to remain humble, that you haven't conquered all. They are so gigantic and breathtaking. I still feel small when I stand below the mountains. They keep me grounded. So anyway, picnic in the canyons. Then we'll go to the Sundance Resort for sight seeing and possibly take the ski lifts to the top of the mountains. It's very romantic. We might spend all day Friday there, and if he falls in love with the place, we might stay for an outdoor play- The Fantastiks - is playing up there in the outdoor amphitheater.
Saturday, I'll have brunch at my place so that he can meet some close friends and later go to the outlets in Park City. We might drive through the Alpine loop (very scenic) and get out through American Fork Canyon.
Also I might take him and Kris (my buddy) to Cabelas. Its the number 1 tourist attraction in the state, as I recently found out. That'll show him how much of a redneck state Utah is. Oh, and very right wing.

Well, that and other things. basically, I intend to show him the outdoors. I'll tell you how his stay was and I hope to have a magical time :)

later :*

Monday, July 20, 2009

The summer so far + him and I

Well I went to California. It was awesome! I loved it. I wanna live in San Francisco, the weather is perfect, and the people are fun. The people are also wayyyyy different from Utah. I liked it there.
In other news, he called! yes he did. I'm really happy :)At first I was not eager to start a long distance rel but he's turned me around. He's restored my hope that there are nice guys out there. There are a few good men, and I think I got one :) The walls I had once built, are tumbling down. He's breaking all my rules and I'm liking it, He's really good to me and I like him a lot. Oh, did I say that we're in a relationship now? yes we are! hehehehe. I like him a lot. I haven't been excited about someone like this in a long time. I have my insecurities because I've been burned before. I hold back sometimes, and I feel bad for him coz I'm not giving him 100% like he is (I think). He's also scared and wonders if this will work. I hope it works for the both of us. We really like each other and we mean a lot to each other. He makes me happy and the texts he sends! out of this world. Makes me smile every time. I'm officially a sucker for his texts and phone calls. He makes me feel so spoiled. I'm loving it. I cannot sleep w/o talking to him, yeah its that bad.
We'll see how it goes and where it goes. I'm enjoying it and having a good time.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

BIG things and small things

Today at work I was talking to out department secretary. She's a very nice lady. I like her a lot! She's very personable and she has helped me with a lot- time card and all. Every time I get a chance to see her I'm excited and whenI haven't seen her in a long time, I'll pass by to say hi.
Anyway I was telling her that I was planning to go to California in 2 days. She was excited for me genuinely (not that I'm surprised) and we got to talking. I told her that I figured/thought that if I couldn't do the BIG thing (that is traveling back home) I might as well travel through the states! Then she put it in a way that I had to write about it- "If you can't do the BIG things, do the small things". I really liked that. Now, the challenge is to apply that in my life...not to bother with the huge stuff if I can get gratification in small stuff.

On a lighter note: Thinking about it, I may have taken Carolyn's words (the secretary) to heart coz I went to the mall after work and bought some sexy little things from Victoria's secret! hehehe. I've come to like that shop tremendously. Hmmmm Bath and Body Works is in trouble. They don't enjoy my patronage as much these days =(.

So yeah, I'm doing my small thing!
And, I'm so excited for my trip, I'm going with my friend Christine and Hannah will join us there. I think it'll be a lovely time :-)


Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Kite Runner

Yeah, big word ain't it?
I recently finished reading 'The Kite Runner' By Khaled Hosseini and the theme of HONOR kept coming up every time. First, it was a very good read, I would recommend it to anyone who's in for some intense reading. I cried twice.
HONOR- what will I do to maintain my HONOR, is my word HONORABLE?
HONOR- am I willing to die for HONOR? Knowing me I'd probably sell out and find a way of justifying myself. Sadly, I'm not HONORABLE.
HONOR- think about it Njeri, HONOR.
Note to self: be HONORABLE

Love, Peace, HONOR

Kisses :-*

Even Napoleon had Waterloo

Today, June 18th way back in 1815, Napoleon fought his last battle- The Battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was a great man, his actions shaped Europe for much of the 19th century. To some extent, I admire him- really. Well I have had times that I was going undefeated like Napoleon, or the energizer bunny, if you wish. Then I slow down look behind, at my plunder, and still emptiness! I take on the world like I'm trying to prove a point then I realize I'm not impressing anyone. That's how I feel right now. I'm a little bit of a show off believe it or not, and even when I'm living my life quietly, I want people to notice that I'm doing that. pathetic, right? Maybe I'll change, there's no telling.
I'm finally facing my Waterloo. haha. yes I am. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm at the end of my road and I thought things would be much clearer now but nope, they aren't. I'm my most confused now, where is my life going. "I'm gonna pray about it and ask Divine guidance" I tell myself on occasion, but I end up worrying myself sick! And you know how much I suck at asking for help. It takes a lot, and I really don't wanna ask for help with this.
Then I remember that I'm still single. arrrgh! Annoying, seriously. I was chatting with one of my friends on facebook, then he suggested someone for me. Someone he thought would be good for me. The whole time I was chatting and asking him about this guy I as thinking, "I'm so confused right now, so undecided that I wouldn't wanna be with me." Yes, it's that bad. So I haven't heard form this guy and usually i would have been on my friends case asking him to tell the guy to call me. But I'll just sit this one out, maybe when he gets around to calling, I'll have figured things out. And be a better "phone friend". Another thing, I don't want a relationship, ok ok, I want one but I'm not in a good place in my life to have one. I'm a mess- YUCK!
Quoting from one of my favorite songs 'even the best fall down sometimes', the song by Pink -Vietnam also explains things -'this is my Vietnam, I'm at war. Life keeps on dropping bombs and I keep score.'

Finally facing my Waterloo. But I will not take a bow just yet!

Kisses :-*

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I'm serious Man!

Well I turned 24 on the 20th. Sadly I do not have an extensive list of birthday resolutions. But I have decided that I want to go back to basics and what I mean is that I will stop wasting time with people or things that just don't mean much to me. I'm cutting lose of all the junk in my trunk, dropping it by the road side and driving away.Away away away!
I hope to live more simply and manage my time well. I hope to be happy because its the least I could do. The other day at work, a song was playing form my ipod and that song reminds me of a much simpler time in my life, so for the umpteenth time I told this co-worker of mine that "that song reminds me of a simpler time". The song is Collide by Howie Day. It reminds me of my first summer here and I would like to think that it was a happier and simpler time. My friend at work asked me if it really was a simpler time. Yeah, I started thinking, was it a simpler time? Then I decided that yes, it was a simpler time because I did not have 4 years worth of 'stuff' in my mind and life. There's a Swahili saying that says the longer one's life is , the wiser they get. Why then does it feel like a burden. I don't feel all that wise, I'm not King Solomon or anything. It feels like junk- really, not wisdom, just junk in my head.
Other things that I have to do this Summer that are not necessarily my birthday resolutions are: do my GREs, apply for OPT, and look at potential graduate schools. Another thing I need to do is seriously think about what I want to do after school is done in December.
Now I'll go keep up with the Kardashians. I'm living life more simply right?

Laters :-*

Thursday, May 7, 2009

mm mm mm the drama that is my life

Hiiiii I'm back! missed ya for a hot minute :-) So anyway, winter semester is over and boy did it give me an ass wooping! I'm glad its over, then i'm looking forward to the only 2 classes left till I graduate- the 2 chemistry classes. woohoo! I'm stoked. NOT. I don't remember if I told you how much I suck at Chemistry. High school chem was doable, not my fav thing but doable.

Anyhoo, I all winter semester I was excited at the thought of moving into this cute apartment next door to where I was living. I did not like my roommates for the 2008 school yr. They did not have a sense of cleanliness. I spent more time cleaning and keeping that apt tidy than I did anything else. So I was really looking forward to moving. The basement apt we were moving to was owned by a lady that I knew from my church. She seemed cool and was cutting us a deal and so I found 2 other girls to live with me.

Spring set in with showers, as it always is in Utah. Oh by the way I think I have a boyfriend??? I'll get back to that in a bit. My 2 good friends were graduating and so there was excitement for that. One of the girls I have known her since way back when, and her mum got to come form her graduation. I was so happy for her and to see her mum. Namesake is the other one who graduated, I love her and I was happy that she was achieving great things in her life. She has moved to Nevada and that makes me sad, but I realize that life has to move on and people have to find jobs. Thanks to the bad economy.


I'm back (again) haha. I discovered this post. I had saved it and not looked at it for a long time. So I moved into the cute apartment. Moving was hectic...I forgot how much moving sucks and how much I hate it. Thankfully my co-worker helped me with moving the big boxes. Why do I hoard stuff? I'm the worst in getting rid of stuff but I'm working on it. Anyway I moved in with my then roomie who is from the same country as I and another girl from Canada who is my friend's girlfriend. There was drama with the landlord- turns out the poor girl couldn't pay rent or deposit so the owner kicked her out. It was terrible and I felt bad for her. She is my friend and I did not want to sabotage living in this cute apartment. I had worked so hard for it and nobody was gonna ruin it for me. Anyway that's done, girl moved out, and I think our friendship (hers, her boyfriend and mine) kinda suffered. I log off fb chat every time I see them on there. Oh well, what was she thinking? We might...might pick up where we left off.

So the boyfriend news. That's a funny one. As is, I have another bf (see most recent post) and I like him a lot. Anyway, this one that I thought I had here was a LOSER. First off he's from remote Africa. The kind they show on national geographic. But knowing me, I'm very accepting and i like a good challenge. I decided I was gonna give lionboy (as me and my girls call him now) a chance. we call him lionboy coz he killed a lion when he was 12 (??) as part of his tribe's initiation ritual. This really fascinated me. I had heard that they do that but I've been lying to my American friends who are familiar with this practice that it doesn't exist anymore coz of animal rights. (Talk of being Americanized). So, they still kill lions for initiation into adulthood.
So lionboy and I were in some sort of relationship. He was interesting and looking back I think I was fascinated by his life experiences more than I liked the idea of us. Honestly, if he hadn't killed a lion, I wouldn't have given him 2 minutes of my time. So this lion killing business drew me to him and we started something. Didn't last for long! Lionboy tried to pull an MIA on me! Sorry luv, but been there done that. You know the whole, he doesn't call or return calls and/or texts...and I could've gone to where he works and ask to talk to him. Boy, be a little original. So I ignore him and one day I call him coz I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. He picks up the phone and after we exchange pleasantries (NOT) he tells me that he was gonna call me back, that he wanted to get home first. I was like ok, and he never called. Next day I call him, he doesn't pick up.

So I text him and tell him that he's being very unoriginal and that he should man up and tell me whats going on. If he doesn't want to be with me he should just come out and say it. I reminded him that he was dealing with a woman, and not a teenage girl. Went on to tell him that whatever it was, I was sure to have been there, done that, read the book, watched the movie, bought the T-shirt. I ended the text by telling him that he wasn't what I was looking for and that he doesn't have to crawl under a rock when he sees me next. People break up all the time. Its not a new phenomenon.

So later, he confides in my roommate and tells her that I overwhelmed him! That was the funniest ish for days. Still is. My friend Kris jokes about it every time i meet a new guy. She's careful to warn me NOT TO OVERWHELM THE GUY. lol lol. Ok Mr.I-Cannot-Use-A-Cellphone-I-Didnot-Grow-Up -With-One...(yeah me too, but I got one and learned how to use it) I hope he finds an unimpressive woman since he doesn't do overwhelming.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's 1:44 am and I'm so random at this hour

Random things about Njeri

I absolutely love the internet. I cannot remember life without Google. I spend considerable amounts of life on the net- not sure what I do.

I love food network, Yes, yes…cooking shows make me so happy. My favorite is Rachel Ray. Also I love to experiment with food.

I give people nick-names! Haha yes, I meet new people and by the 3rd or 4th time I meet them, I’ve shortened their names and made them cuter. Example- Chelsea- Chels, Rachel- Raych etc

I like being around people, my friend thinks I’m need y. I’m very restless when alone, I don’t like it.

I keep friends for a loooong time. I’m the one who always reaches out to estranged friends to rekindle old friendships.

Biology- love it. Somehow it makes sense to me.

Art, oh yes, art is my most favorite thing. I wonder why I’m not an Art history major. I absolutely love it that I took the class twice (well, different versions of it).

Pictures touch my heartstrings.

Music…live music is Oh So Amazing.

I’m slightly OCD when it comes to cleaning. I want it done perfectly.

I was kicked out of the school choir in 2nd grade because the teacher couldn’t ‘place’ my voice. I feel bad when I think about it. I mean- I was 8 yrs old!

My kids will have voice lessons early in their lives, also play at least one instrument.

I know I’ll fall in love deeply someday and I’ll have an amazing family of my own.

I want to travel to Italy and Spain, just to experience their food and culture.

I look for the good in everyone; I dig it out no matter how deep it’s lodged.

Currently, I wanna be done with school. I’m so tired.

I think at this time in my life I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. I’m exerting myself more than ever. I love the new me.

I hardly ever sweat the small stuff. It’s just small stuff.

I love my mommy more than anything or anyone (God 1st).

My brothers and sisters are my loves! They support me through everything.

I love colors- beautiful colors.

I gravitate towards what other people think is weird. What are people like me called? I mean I like odd stuff- be it paintings, clothes, jewelry etc. I get an instant connection with things like these.

I don’t like shopping- it takes too much time and energy. I shop when I have to (when my pants are wearing out, or tops have gone through the washer a million times). When I shop for leisure, I do so at bath and body works, I like that store.

I love tea- real tea. Oh, and apple cider!

I hope to one day own and run my restaurant. I have the name penned out already.

Blogging…there’s my little world where it’s all about me!

Glamour magazine- everything I need, what can I say: G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S!

I love and terribly miss my bff Lu. She is my person.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Reality...or is it just TV?

Recently I watched a reality TV show that a friend and I have come to enjoy. These men were really treating their women badly, and I mean really hurtful to their women. For instance, one of the guys was being reprimanded because he could not stay faithful to his girlfriend whom he had brought onto the show. Moments later, a lady walks in the ‘therapy room’ as they call it claiming to be said guy’s (or tool in this case) girlfriend of 6 years. Yes, I know- I was on the edge of my seat too. I could not believe what I was seeing.

Maybe I take reality TV too seriously. It’s entertaining for sure. But are we glorifying societies’ idiocies and wrongdoings and giving them too much airtime- more than they deserve?

A few examples…

When girls act with crass, they’re sent to a CHARM SCHOOL. Really, don’t you think if you’re charmless in your mid 20s or in your 3os you’re a done deal? What’s charm for after you’ve lived out half of your days? Not all the girls succeed, some try (I think), but others flank out of intended schooling only to land a spot in another reality show. Still acting charmless!

Schools and academies seem to be forming all over the place. TOOL ACADEMY. These guys are honest tools, for real. If they lived in another civilization, they’d be punished by death and not by being eliminated from tool academy. They disrespect women and somehow get away with it. Those who show little improvement are given a Tool Badge of Merit. Yes, a badge of merit.

Now, if you’re having trouble finding love, true love, how about having some 25 random Americans (they have some foreigners there too now) come and try, no, fight to win your heart? Sweet deal huh? The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, I love NewYork, Flavaflav, and others I haven’t mentioned, but I know you catch my drift.

Let’s talk fashion. No offense to Tyra but she tells girls in her talk show that it’s ok to have a healthy body, that they shouldn’t conform to the standards set by fashion magazines. That it’s ok to be size 8, 10, 12 etc. Be comfortable in your own skin. Really? Why then do the girls in AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL have the pressure to remain a size 0, 1, 2? Remember also that Tyra gained mad weight to emphasize a point? Then they make a ‘plus size’ model one of the season winners. She was a size 4! How about making a size 10 the season winner? Huh Tyra?

The APPRENTICE, how we love to see what’s his face make people feel inadequate.

AMERICAN IDOL. I really enjoy this show, Simon Cowell ridiculing budding singers. Some of them really need a dose of Simon Cowell and be restricted to singing only in the privacy of their own homes- like me.

HELL’S KITCHEN- I wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near that man. He’s a sad, sad man.

THE REAL WORLD. Is it really?

Hmmmm *sigh*

It's 2009. I feel great!

Wow, I had planned so much for this year, but life is taking me in another direction I didn't expect. I'm learning everyday how to do the work that has been placed in front of me. I hope I have fun. Yesterday, I got curious and decided to look at my horoscope for the year. Sshhh don't tell anyone. But it says that this year I'm pouring myself into my life mission and rejuvenating myself with abundant thinking. That I've created a new me!

As you may already know, I'm very passionate about Agricultural Biotechnology especially for Africa. I had prayed and planned to set up a website that would educate people about biotechnology and hopefully answer the questions they had about it. I spent many hours planning and writing and doing so much research on web hosting and website maintenance. I was planning to launch my career and was excited about it.

Through the fall semester, I was a member of a club for non-LDS christian students at my university (BYU). I liked the club, since I was becoming more spiritual in my life, it served as a support system for me. At the end of the year, the faculty advisor for the club asked to meet with me. I though at first that it was a meet and greet she wanted to do. She proceeded to tell me that the guy who was president of the club was requesting time off to focus on his dissertation. The club needed a leader or else it would have dissolved. No, I thought to myself. The club was so good to me, and frankly I was surprised that none of the members wanted leadership of the club. After a few meetings with the advisor, I accepted to be president of CrossSeekers, formerly Baptist Student Union. Funny thing is that all semester long I was reading a book titled 'Gentile Girl- Living with Latter Day Saints' by Carol Forseth. She was the lady who launched the BSU at the university. Prior to that, it was an off- campus club. Who thought I was learning life lessons? Since becoming president of the club, I've read the book again- this time paying attention to every detail.

I attend St. Mary's Episcopal Church here in Provo. At the beginning of the year, they had several openings in the vestry (governing body of the church/parish). I was asked to consider being on the vestry. I told them that I'd think about it. Honestly I wasn't 'thinking about it' for sometime till they approached me again. I realized that they were serious about it. So I sought a prayerful answer. Why was I being asked to take on more responsibility now that I was a senior with so much to do? Then I remembered that I had prayed that God show me what He wanted me to do with my life. Maybe this was it. The people at my church were very supportive and they decided to make an exception for me- give me a 1 yr term on the vestry when they usually go for 3 years. I said yes.

You see how different the responsibilities I've taken on this year are from what I had planned. I overheard my priest say, I think she was quoting someone: If you wanna hear God laugh, tell Him what you have planned.

Slowly I'm learning a lot. I'm very busy and I don't know how all this will work out. I'm praying again for help and divine strength.

Its 2009! I'm excited!