Tuesday, August 25, 2009

boyfriends past...messy

Well. Ghosts of boyfriends past. I have to write this when it is still fresh on my mind. Damn! I'm writing so much this month.

It seems to me that almost every woman I meet is cynical or jaded or bitter about some guy who broke her heart, shattered it into pieces. And the ones who are not bitter or cynical are playing- because they've learned from the best- MEN. No one is truly in love out there. No one is hopeful out there. It makes me say DAMN MEN!

It also doesn't help that I'm in love here with the man who so far is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. All the girlfriends around me are BITTER! Gosh, I say again DAMN MEN!

When I tell them how wonderful he is. All the little good things that he does that make my heart melt like butter, all I get is "wait honey, they all start out like that then they get comfortable and you start fighting then it will be over faster than you can say 'it's over'". So, again- DAMN MEN!

Its gotten to a point where I really don't wanna share the good things happening in my life (especially if they have to do with him) with my friends. I don't wanna seem like I'm rubbing it in their faces but sometimes they'll ask, or i really wanna tell them something nice that he did. Like he ordered me pizza the other day when I did not have food in my house. Its a big deal because we're in a long distance relationship. Another thing is that when I don't keep in touch with the girls, it's because of him. No it's not because of him. I'm busy- and we're in a long distance relationship. So how is it because of him? I don't understand. Then like predictable clock work, what follows is "honey don't lose yourself". You know it...DAMN MEN!

I'm growing up, or old if you chose. And I'm starting to think of my future. It's been my dream to bring up a nice family with a very much in the picture and very much involved father figure. So because I like, no, love this man so much. I've allowed myself to fantasize of what It'd be like being married to him. I would like to be married to him. When I make my future plans, I ask him sometimes of what his plans are. I hate relationships where one party makes plans and completely ignores you, don't seek your opinion, it's like you're not even dating. 'So you'll be spending Christmas with your family in New York. Uuuuummmm we're dating here. You know I don't have family here and I haven't mentioned any plans I have to you. I was kinda hoping to spend the holidays with you'. I hate that, it's happened before and I felt so bad.
Anyhoo, I ask him of his future plans and consult him on mine because I can see a future for us kids. But to some girl (who's been hurt) I'm selling out. I'm losing myself again. I've been the witch on occasion where I thought a friend was losing herself. But it worked out for her. I guess you can be a lucky girl or your instincts are right and you're right on the money. I have good feeling about this one. If this one breaks me- I'm gonna become lesbian. I feel very strongly about that. DAMN MEN!

I spent time with a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in a while. She said that people wonder why there are so many bitchy or witchy women out there, and the reason is because so many men have screwed with their feelings and hurt them. DAMN MEN!

I feel sorry for us women. We're broken and yet we somehow crawl from that dark place and move on. We manage to put ourselves out there again. It's easier said than done- hold out little girls. The good ones are yet to be discovered or transformed. I wouldn't be surprised that my good and wonderful one right now was a jerk to someone else. We're all human. We, yes even we women have broken hearts before or ended relationships in a not so civilized way.

To all of us- we have erred. But we seek forgiveness and we hope that we're truly forgiven. We pray that karma is not so harsh on us. We long for inner peace and true contentment. Until then, we hurt.

Things happen that we're not happy with. But we decide how they affect us.

Friday, August 21, 2009

of missing home and other feelings...

......that is what I feel.

I wanna go back home,

back to Kenya,

back to the nice weather,

back to mum and dad,

back to my sister and brothers.

Back to celebrate the new good ones that were born

back to mourn the dead that have long past,

back to embrace new relations made



I want to enjoy

enjoy life for once in a long time

enjoy the food and all their nutritional value

enjoy the water

enjoy the things i take for granted- electricity, internet

enjoy friendships

enjoy living

enjoy good health

enjoy a roof over my head

enjoy the bed I sleep in

enjoy motherly care



I'll take that leap

that step in the dark

into the unknown

because they said- "east or west home is best"

the time has not yet come

but it's nearing

and scares the hell out of me

I have to graduate first

then I'll leap

I pray that loving hands will receive me.



Saturday, August 15, 2009

Art and Crafts

In primary school we had to learn art and crafts. I hated it then because I saw no need to study it. I wanted to study medical science or engineering or the law, courses my parents and many African parents would have their children do. So from a young age I grew up thinking that the Arts:- music, painting and sculpture were for "losers" (for lack of a better word).

Only in my college years did I start loving the arts, and discovered that I'm very artistic. I love to create, I love to create something from nothing. I really enjoy art history, and it was my best class in college. Forget biotechnology- I still want to save the world and I still kind of love what I'm studying (and will graduate in) but I'd love if I got to explore my artistic side and develop it further.

These are some of the things I've made recently:

I know that they're not much to brag about but when I made them I felt really pleased with myself.
The little card is made out of a magazine cover that I cut out. It was a Christmas edition so it was perfect for a wedding gift card.

The gift wrapper is for a box of chocolates a loved one bought me not too long ago. It has 'spring-y' colors and was perfect to wrap a summer wedding gift. The ribbon too is from the chocolates.

The gift is a picture frame I bought long time ago but it's been sitting in my house for so long since I stopped developing hard copies of my pictures. I really need to free my camera off the pictures (but who has time) right?
I thought the newly wedded couple will out it to better use.

The earring holder I made out of a picture frame that was falling apart. So the frame is metallic and the cloth where the earrings are hanging out of, was from ribbons from a Christmas basket (you notice they're shinny kind of). I stapled the cloth at the bottom (where the frame is standing on). The cloth goes over on the other side and I staple it at the bottom where the cloths meet.

I'll upload more pictures of my crafts as I continue to make them. School starts soon and so that means I'll step up my crafts production. who wants to study when you can make crafts?

Have a 'crafty' day :)


Monday, August 3, 2009

"When half-gods go, the gods arrive"

Give all to love;
Obey thy heart;
Friends, kindred, days,
Estate, good fame,
Plans, credit, and the muse;
Nothing refuse.

'Tis a brave master,
Let it have scope,
Follow it utterly,
Hope beyond hope;
High and more high,
It dives into noon,
With wing unspent,
Untold intent;
But 'tis a god,
Knows its own path,
And the outlets of the sky.
'Tis not for the mean,
It requireth courage stout,
Souls above doubt,
Valor unbending;
Such 'twill reward,
They shall return
More than they were,
And ever ascending.

Leave all for love;—
Yet, hear me, yet,
One word more thy heart behoved,
One pulse more of firm endeavor,
Keep thee to-day,
To-morrow, for ever,
Free as an Arab
Of thy beloved.
Cling with life to the maid;
But when the surprise,
Vague shadow of surmise,
Flits across her bosom young
Of a joy apart from thee,
Free be she, fancy-free,
Do not thou detain a hem,
Nor the palest rose she flung
From her summer diadem.

Though thou loved her as thyself,
As a self of purer clay,
Tho' her parting dims the day,
Stealing grace from all alive,
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read the quote in a short story where a teenage girl is heartbroken by her teenage boyfriend (teenage love gone sour) and her mum wrote on her mirror in red lipstick..."Heartily know that when half-gods go, the gods arrive".

Aaaaaaw how sweet!

I felt all mushy and I wished someone had told me that when my half-gods came rolling around and broke my heart.

See I've had my share of half-gods. The one who broke my heart when I loved to love, before I became cynical about love at 19. Then there was the possessive one, and the playa etc etc.
I had given up. "There is no good man left, and I'll take the ish I can deal with". That was my thing, my final decision. I'd stopped looking. Then I met him and I rediscovered that though there are a few good men, they still exist.

He came to visit. It was wonderful having him here, and so sad to have him leave. I wished he could have stayed for longer. I for the first time hated that we lived in separate states. I wanted him to stay with me and not leave me. I felt that I was losing him though he tried to comfort me by telling me that I'm not losing him. I did not want him to leave me. I felt like Pink in her song "please don't leave me". I was very sulky, but trust me you would also, after the great time we had together that weekend. Let me give you snippets of what we did on the weekend.

I picked him Up from the airport on Thursday. We went to lunch at Chillis and we got to talking. He was a little shy at first tho I tried to get him most comfortable. He started loosening up and we were good. Lunch was pleasant and I could tell that we both had a good time. We later went home and rested for a bit, and talked some more then ran some errands for my friend at the mall. Later we went grocery shopping and got some wine and his scotch whiskey and we came home and he made dinner. He also met my roommate and was great.

Friday we took my friend to the airport and he was helpful with the bags- very gentlemanly of him, and later that afternoon we picnicked up in the canyon at a quiet park. He liked it a lot. We spent the whole afternoon there, took lots of pics and talked some more. Later we went to the farmers market to get some greens, then we had coffee at a coffee joint, then we went to see my friend at work. He was great with my friends and I liked that a lot.

Saturday we had lunch with some close friends. Lunch that he was making! He made some delish chapos! and two kinds of meat- beef stew and nyama (beef) fry. He was amazing! Everybody loved his food and liked him too. That afternoon we (my two friends, him and I) went to visit a famous resort close to where I live. We took gondola lifts to the top of the mountains. It was very scenic and romantic. Then we drove to Park city and walked along main street. He enjoyed it a lot. He was also buying me gifts like every store we went to. He got me a mug with my name on it, box of assorted chocolates and flowers (on Friday).

Sunday we went to church together. I loved that I got to share that with him. He was cool and did great. He was holding my hand throughout the service. He was great- did I say that already?
After church we went to lunch at a restaurant at the mall, then walked around the mall; he got new shoes that I chose for him. I got him a key chain souvenir and a wallet coz his had seen better days. Took him around my school for a littel bit. He liked the place and now he's thinking of doing a doctorate degree at there. I'm opposed to the idea. Came home, packed and chilled (read cuddled) for a bit before I took him to the airport.

He's wonderful. And just for being nice to me, I wanna love him...actually I do love him. He says he loves me too. He was holding my hand the whole time he was here and he's not ashamed to show that he loves/cares for me. He'd peck me or kiss me on the forehead even when my friends were around. Everybody that met him couldn't help notice how good he was to me and how well he treated me. I try to be nice to him too- he hasn't complained yet.
Another thing, he's bringing out the goodness in me- he's such positive energy. He's a breath of fresh air in my dating life knowing all the losers I've dated. Like I said, I cannot be mean to him because he so nice to me and respects and believes that I deserve the best. He's very appreciative of my friendship and companionship to him.
He plans for us to date for a long time, and honestly I'm looking forward to that. I'd like to experience being in a mature relationship.
Did i mention that he picked up almost every bill when he was around? What a gentleman!

Definitely, when half gods go, the gods arrive.

Later :*

Saturday, August 1, 2009

He'll be visiting...

Now, things are going super well. He's coming to visit next week. Oh, did I spring this upon ya? Sorry. He bought his ticket a month ago and I was very shocked too. I did not believe him and he had to send me his itinerary to shown me that he actually bought the ticket to come see me.
He was surprised that I was acting all amazed about this. So I told him that I have been with some pretty crappy guys and that he bought the ticket, was kinda a first to me. You know when I casually asked him to come to Utah and see the mountains, I did not for one bit think that he was gonna take me up on my offer. We were just having casual conversation. Then about 2 weeks later I brought it up again, then he was like "when do you want me to come?" I was like "uuuummm let me check my calendar and get back to you". Seriously I had to check my calendar coz I was planning a trip to Vegas with my girls and i needed them to tell me when they planned to go. So I told him that the first or the second week of August would work for me. So like all the other guys, I thought this trip was gonna be postponed and dragged on for the longest time, then it'd just disappear in thin air.
A week later we were talking and he said something like "Oh I bet that when I come we're gonna have so much fun". I was like, "you're bought your ticket? You're coming here?" He was like "yes" in a 'did you think I was mincing my words' kinda way. So I did not believe him and he e mailed me his itinerary so that I could see for myself.
Indeedly doo, he'd bought it.

So next Thursday my friends. Next Thursday. Hmmmm. I did some grocery shopping, I went to the farmers market. I don't know why I feel so much cooler whenI go to the farmers market. In my head I have it that only the cool people go to the farmers market. That's just a random thought.

What I have planed. A picnic for the two of us. It'll be up on the mountains so that it's magical. He'd like that- I expect, knowing MN is as flat as a pancake.Mountains will do him good. You know, when you're so close to the mountains (like I am) It reminds you to remain humble, that you haven't conquered all. They are so gigantic and breathtaking. I still feel small when I stand below the mountains. They keep me grounded. So anyway, picnic in the canyons. Then we'll go to the Sundance Resort for sight seeing and possibly take the ski lifts to the top of the mountains. It's very romantic. We might spend all day Friday there, and if he falls in love with the place, we might stay for an outdoor play- The Fantastiks - is playing up there in the outdoor amphitheater.
Saturday, I'll have brunch at my place so that he can meet some close friends and later go to the outlets in Park City. We might drive through the Alpine loop (very scenic) and get out through American Fork Canyon.
Also I might take him and Kris (my buddy) to Cabelas. Its the number 1 tourist attraction in the state, as I recently found out. That'll show him how much of a redneck state Utah is. Oh, and very right wing.

Well, that and other things. basically, I intend to show him the outdoors. I'll tell you how his stay was and I hope to have a magical time :)

later :*