Tuesday, August 25, 2009

boyfriends past...messy

Well. Ghosts of boyfriends past. I have to write this when it is still fresh on my mind. Damn! I'm writing so much this month.

It seems to me that almost every woman I meet is cynical or jaded or bitter about some guy who broke her heart, shattered it into pieces. And the ones who are not bitter or cynical are playing- because they've learned from the best- MEN. No one is truly in love out there. No one is hopeful out there. It makes me say DAMN MEN!

It also doesn't help that I'm in love here with the man who so far is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. All the girlfriends around me are BITTER! Gosh, I say again DAMN MEN!

When I tell them how wonderful he is. All the little good things that he does that make my heart melt like butter, all I get is "wait honey, they all start out like that then they get comfortable and you start fighting then it will be over faster than you can say 'it's over'". So, again- DAMN MEN!

Its gotten to a point where I really don't wanna share the good things happening in my life (especially if they have to do with him) with my friends. I don't wanna seem like I'm rubbing it in their faces but sometimes they'll ask, or i really wanna tell them something nice that he did. Like he ordered me pizza the other day when I did not have food in my house. Its a big deal because we're in a long distance relationship. Another thing is that when I don't keep in touch with the girls, it's because of him. No it's not because of him. I'm busy- and we're in a long distance relationship. So how is it because of him? I don't understand. Then like predictable clock work, what follows is "honey don't lose yourself". You know it...DAMN MEN!

I'm growing up, or old if you chose. And I'm starting to think of my future. It's been my dream to bring up a nice family with a very much in the picture and very much involved father figure. So because I like, no, love this man so much. I've allowed myself to fantasize of what It'd be like being married to him. I would like to be married to him. When I make my future plans, I ask him sometimes of what his plans are. I hate relationships where one party makes plans and completely ignores you, don't seek your opinion, it's like you're not even dating. 'So you'll be spending Christmas with your family in New York. Uuuuummmm we're dating here. You know I don't have family here and I haven't mentioned any plans I have to you. I was kinda hoping to spend the holidays with you'. I hate that, it's happened before and I felt so bad.
Anyhoo, I ask him of his future plans and consult him on mine because I can see a future for us kids. But to some girl (who's been hurt) I'm selling out. I'm losing myself again. I've been the witch on occasion where I thought a friend was losing herself. But it worked out for her. I guess you can be a lucky girl or your instincts are right and you're right on the money. I have good feeling about this one. If this one breaks me- I'm gonna become lesbian. I feel very strongly about that. DAMN MEN!

I spent time with a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in a while. She said that people wonder why there are so many bitchy or witchy women out there, and the reason is because so many men have screwed with their feelings and hurt them. DAMN MEN!

I feel sorry for us women. We're broken and yet we somehow crawl from that dark place and move on. We manage to put ourselves out there again. It's easier said than done- hold out little girls. The good ones are yet to be discovered or transformed. I wouldn't be surprised that my good and wonderful one right now was a jerk to someone else. We're all human. We, yes even we women have broken hearts before or ended relationships in a not so civilized way.

To all of us- we have erred. But we seek forgiveness and we hope that we're truly forgiven. We pray that karma is not so harsh on us. We long for inner peace and true contentment. Until then, we hurt.

Things happen that we're not happy with. But we decide how they affect us.