Boredom is the mother of writing

I'm really bored.

I'm visiting Mr. Man and he's working tonight so I'm bored to tears.
My last post got me to think about all the things that I'd like to do. This is a very random list so bear with me. One day when I'll have all of them in there, I'll organize the list.

DO my Masters in International Development.

RUN an NGO that empowers women and children.

ENSURE that all women and children in the world are protected and are empowered.

OWN a restaurant and work in it. A soup, salad and sandwich place in any of the major cities in Kenya. Preferably Nairobi.

HAVE a cute apartment with an earthy-red accent wall.

ENTERTAIN friends to good food and wine and game nights.

HOLD a "King of Queens" night party, where we just watch the funny episodes of the show.

COOK. Gourmet cooking.

CREATE a gourmet sandwich, salad and soup. My creation.

BE a contributor to a magazine. (oops! a friend once asked me to do this but I was super busy and couldn't).

PURSUE writing. I realize that I'm not the best writer but I'd like to become better.

BECOME a make-up artist. I'm good with eye shadow.

DRESS really really well. Simply but well.

PRAY that everyone in my family gets all the opportunities that they would wish for. That their lives are great.

BUILD a house for mum and dad.

TRAVEL the world alone or with a loved one. Girlfriends included.

EAT at quaint little places in Portland and Seattle.

SING in the rain.

LOOK fabulous and elegant effortlessly.

BE a source of encouragement to the young ones and those around me.

WEAR cute knee high suede boots with a short dress. That is scrumptiously cute.

LOOK cool when smoking a cigarette. Currently I have a possessed look when I'm smoking.

WEAR crimson lipstick and pull it off with un-surpassable confidence.

GOING FEMME FATALE." i am an emotional creature"

I just finished watching WHIP IT. How cute is Ellen Page? I really liked her on that movie. And I like the movie so much that I think I'll buy it to own. It's very cute, and I think relevant to this day and age. It was accurate in how it portrayed Babe Ruthless (Page) as this high school kid who only does what is shoved down her throat. She is living an already mapped out life, she does pageants. And she was good at it, only that she DID NOT LOVE IT at all. Then she met the HURL SCOUTS who changed her life. She took the try-outs and made the team.



She became her own HERO. I take pride in the plans that I have for my future. That movie and other literature I've read got me thinking: Have my goals and plans been CONDITIONED by what I see others doing, have they been conditioned by how other people around me live their lives. What if I'm that 'WILD FACTOR'. Will I miss out on something great because society expects me to be doing such and such at such and such point in my life?


Granted that it was a movie, Ruthless did not know different from pageants. Pageants were her way out of small town Bodeen. That's what worked or she was told worked. She did something different and it turned out great. She was HAPPY and it gave her important life experiences. She was wiser and learned to be self supportive. She was happy, she was having tons of FUN, just by doing that 'wild' thing that to others was a dead end.

I don't want to beat a dead horse here. So I'll move on to the next thing. I read this excerpt from Eve Ensler's I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World . I read it in the most recent issue of Glamour magazine. I really want to buy the book. It was heartfelt and resonated so well with me.

Preach on Eve Ensler!

It's about how we women (and men too) should do the things that make us happy. The things we WANT to do. What we BELIEVE, SMELL, EAT, BREATH, DREAM-SO-REAL-YOU-CAN-TASTE-IT.

Yes that thing. You know it you brilliant creature you ;)



Dear Emotional Creature:
Everyone seems to have a certain way they want you to be - your mother, father, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, boyfriends, fashion gurus, celebrities, girlfriends. In reporting my new book, I learned a very disturbing statistic: 74 percent of young women say they are under pleasure to please everyone.

I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to please: to be the wish or will of somebody other than yourself. To please the fashion setters, we starve ourselves. To please men, we push ourselves when we aren't ready. To please our parents, we become insane overachievers. If you are trying to please, how do you take responsibility for your own needs? How do you even know what your own needs are? The act of pleasing makes everything murky. We lose track of ourselves. We stop uttering declaratory sentences. We stop directing our lives. We forget what we know. We make everything OK rather than real.

I have had the good fortune to travel around the world. Everywhere I meet teenage girls and women giggling, laughing as they walk country roads or hang out on city streets. Electric girls. I see how their lives get hijacked, how their opinions and desires get denied and undone. So many of the women I have met are still struggling late into their lives to know their desires, to find their way.

Instead of trying to please, this is a challenge to provoke, to satisfy your own imagination and appetite. To take responsibility for who you are, to engage. Listen to the voice inside you that might want something different. It's a call to your original self, to move at your own speed, to walk with your step, to wear your color.

When I was your age, I didn't know how to live as an emotional creature. I felt like an alien. I still do a lot of the time. I am older now. I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be OK with being different, with being this alive, this intense. I just don't want you to have to wait that long.

Love,
Eve Ensler

Happy Valentine's Day and other findings....

Hello there. Been a miute right? Well I've been busy reading books, magazines, pamphlets, journals, publications etc. Just reading- that's what I do best. I wish I read this much during college. I read better for fun. I'm sure the Barnes and Noble employees have noticed the many hours I spend at the bookstore. I love it there, so much that I'll spend over 4 hours in the bookstore reading different things.

I've read so many magazines and now I know of approx. 100 ways to please my man, and how to land the perfect gentleman. I've also read about why men love bitches. I've read about the 250 job interview questions most asked and the answers to get you the job. I've read about how Ivanka Trump's achieved success and basically how the Trumps roll blah blah blah :p

What else have I read??? There is so much I cannot remember it all now.

Valentine's Day is today. Happy Valentine's Day. It was a good day. I got flowers yesterday from Mr. Man. They were gorgeous and the message on the card was sweet. I absolutely loved them. Funny (or not so funny) thing is that Mr. Man had convinced me that he wasn't going to get me anything for Valentne's Day. I was straight up bummed. But later he said that he had to tell me that so that I wouldn't ruin the surprise. Yesterday was a happy day, I was animatedly excited. Thanks babe for the flowers:)
I got him a book. I hope he'll like it. I think he will, and a Valentine's Day card.


Now on other news.
I still haven't found a job yet. But this hiring agency says that there shouldn't be any problems finding me one. They say that there have been openings lately.

Other findings:

Men Love bitches!

no I didn't know that.

If you (a lady) treat yourself as a prize, he will become a believer and will treat you as a prize. I learned that from the book "Why men love bitches". The book says that men don't like 'nice' girls. Girls who give too much of themselves to a guy or a relationship.

I did not read vey much of it. Some of the ideas they have there of how to be a bitch are straight-up exhausting. They will require tons of energy (for me, atleast!)
Plus I am not like that. I'M NOT A BITCH and would not be even if I tried. I am a nice person. I don't like to play games, actually, I don't know how to.

FIN

I'm listening to Joss Stone's 4 and 20 hours. It's such a lovely song. She is an amazing soul singer. I put her in the ranks of Alicia Keys.

I watched the star studded movie "Valentine's Day". It was cute. Yes just cute. I liked it but it could have been better. Taylor Swift was interesting?? Eric Dane and Bradely Cooper gay couple??? what a waste. (was that the twist?) Julia Roberts didn't talk much. Anne Hathaway was cute. Jennifer Garner was amazing- she did well. Patrick Dempsey- promiscous?? They ruined the perfect man image I had of him (Dr. Shepherd).
Anyhoo. That was my weekend. It was a good weekend.

Peace and blessings :)

2010 whaaaaat?

Oh yeah. 2009 ended in an anticlimactc way and I bustled into 2010 with awe on my face. New years day was fun. My girls treated me to a masquarade event at a nice upmarket club. It was fun and for a few hours I wasn't stressed.

So it's the third week of January. I graduated and I'm in the process of looking for employment. It has it's hard days and easy days. I moved from Provo and now I'm staying in Salt lake city with a friend (bless her heart)while I job search. The move from Provo was emotional. Leaving the place I'd lived for 5 years. Leaving my little church family (St. Mary's Episcoal church) and my friends was hard. Part of me was happy that I was moving. I did not have very many friends in Provo anymore. I'm surely gonna miss Kris.I do miss her. Since I was in the vestry at St. Mary's, I had my last vestry meeting yesterday and I was able to see my friends ad Kris. I hope to go next Sunday for the annual meeting and I'll have a chance to say goodbye. I love my church family ad I'm going to miss them. They took care of me. Actally one person on Sunday refered to me as one of the moversand shakers that have passed through St. Mary's. They'll always have a special place in my heart. They are irreplacable.

My boyfriend and are still going strong. We're hanging in there and encouraging each other. Not having a job has been a challenge and kinda got us into a big fight couple of weeks ago. It's un-neving and a confusing time. Lord help me through these times.

HAITI. Lord have mercy. I asked myself why such a poor country could face a big catastrophe like that and I cannot explain. We discussed about the earthquake in church and we came (or sort of) to a conclusion that we cannot understand God's ways. We as the Body of Christ however have to pull togther and show love to the people of Haiti. I wish I could do more to help. But I belive prayers are important.
I haven't heard back from my friends that have family there. I pray that they are alright.

2010. I decided I was gonna borrow Alicia Keys' resolution for the new year.I'm going to start the new year with an empty glass, ready to be filled with all the joys,laughter, peoples, travels, experiences etc. that await me.

What??? It's 2010??? I had pictured it differently in my mind. I will however let Him be my guide in this year and years to come.

Kisses
:*

He is always near, He loves you.

The last 5 days have been very hard for me. I had a pressing need and I was deeply troubled. It was one of those things that at first you say- "I would die if it doesn't work out in my favor". I cried, sobbed, wailed, called on God, asked Him to have mercy on me. Then I tried to address the problem too quickly, and I fell flat on my face. The stress was 10 times worse. I cried, cried, cried, cried again and then cried some more.


"Why me?"I kept asking. "Why me?" At first I said to myself that God is punishing me. And then after saying that I couldn't handle it. I cannot live with the thought that God is punishing me. Oh how I wanted to un-think that thought. It's interesting how such thoughts stay with you no matter how much you try to cover them up with other things.


So, what ever happened to me?



Notice that I refer to the problem in the past. It's behind me now, thanks be to God! The Lord taught or reminded me of a few things during this agonizing time.

God is good to those that seek Him
Blessed are those whose hope is in Him, the God of Jacob.
His steadfast love never ceases.
His faithfulness endures throughout all generations.
He never sleeps.
He cares.The battle belongs to the Lord.
He knows my need even before I speak it.
God is near, He is with us, He is in us.

I read in my devotional that we cannot influence God's love. This was very profound and resonated with me. I was trying to influence God's decision in answering my prayer by telling Him to remember the 'good' things that I had done. I was really desperate and at that time I thought I could persuade Him by reading through my resume of 'good' deeds. "Remember how I helped so and so. remember how I serve you in church, remember this and that etc."


You cannot influence God's Love. He chooses to love you because He himself is Love. He loves you because He is He!

Deuteronomy 7:7-9

"The LORD did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. 8 But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. 9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."

His faithfulness endures throughout all generations. God is not a man that He should lie.

Put all of your hope in the Lord. He blesses those that put their hope in Him.

Psalms 146:5

"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God."

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, Great is His faithfulness.

The Lord doesn't willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men. He is Love and would never destroy us. He is love, and that would be going against His nature. His anger lasts only for a moment but His Love will abound.

Psalms 30:5

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."


Lamentations 3: 22, 33

"Because of the Lord's great Love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail."
"For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

The Lord fought for me and rescued me. I will then praise His name and proclaim of His glory. The Lord is good to those that seek him with a broken heart. I will not put my hope in people, nor in prices or the highly and well connected people. Every good thing comes from the Lord and it is better to wait on Him.

Psalms 30:11-12

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."

It is my prayer that I will continue to seek the Lord in everything that I do, and to trust him with all my heart.


I write all these passages on here because they gave me comfort in my time of need. God's word was like a soothing oil for my afflicted soul. I found great comfort in these passages and others that I haven't included here.
I write them down in my blog partly to help anyone who might feel downtrodden and anyone who doesn't feel that the Lord is near. Also I write all these to remind me of His great love and that He is always near.

Again. Thanks be to God!

Are you beautiful?

Hello there. You certainly didn't think I deserted you! No no I did not. I'm here. Just took a long break coz things are getting so busy with school. Men I cannot wait to be done. Time is running fast.

A lot has happened lately. Oh something exciting! you know I like to make crafts right? So for Halloween I was Cleopatra of Egypt. I was particularly proud of the costume which was all homemade! Thanks to my being broke! Anyway I'll post a picture. It was amazing. We had a work party at my boss's house like we always do, and my theme (together with a colleague) was Egyptian. He was a mummy. We won (not like it means anything much) the most accurately portrayed theme. We were committed to playing the part. Good job! (pat on the back).

So last Sunday I went to an adult Sunday School class that is being offered at my church. It has been running for like three weeks now but I never could make it until some friends of mine convinced me that I would like it. The class was good- I don't regret going at all. We talked about doubt.

Well the topic resonated with me because I have experienced doubt in my life in more than one occasion, mostly when I turned my back to God and thought that I could do it on my own. I shared with the class how faithful I was on depending on God until I came to the US and suddenly, if I worked hard, I was entitled to good rewards! No that's not the way it worked for me before. See I would work so hard my fingers hurt, and that did not mean anything! not at all. I still had to pray to The Almighty for help as if I had not put in the work. As I was sharing, I realized that that is what I was doing wrong and I made a point of repenting earnestly to Him. I'll work hard and remember to always acknowledge Him in all my ways. I should make Proverbs 3:5-6 my motto.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

So anyway, other things came to mind on Sunday. I was thankful for the blessings that God has given me in my life. I was especially thankful to him for the opportunities that He has afforded me. And Also my boyfriend. Yes, we're still dating even though he is miled away;) I still love him.

So it got me thinking... I know, I don't think much and when I do it's not good. Right? kidding!

So, my question (to self) was, when did I realize that life is not all about partying, having a good time, dating the most attractive person you meet (not that mine is not attractive. He is- physically and inward) and being the envy of every superficial girl? When did I stop being superficial, when did I start seeing the big picture?

I used to think and even fantasize about going out with the most attractive man on the planet. The man I chose to rule my fantasies was Dylan Mcdermott. He was and still is sexy. But when I came back to reality, I fantasized about dating the neighbors kid. The light skin, clean shaven one.

If I knew I'd grow up and value good human relationships, I would not have cried my eyes out when that very handsome boy broke my heart. That one that every girl wanted to have and I felt extra special when he chose me. Do girls who are doing that now know that those beautiful men are jerks most of the time and have nothing to offer? No skills at all, cannot hold a conversation to save their lives? I lost a lot of precious time with this kind. Sadly.

I was watching a music video on youtube by some rising musical stars from Kenya- 'Just a Band'. In one of their videos, there's this really handsome guy, kinda beautiful in some way. For a moment I was in the 'zone' once again and I thought that I would love to have him. He is super good looking!

There was a time when such guys gave me the goose bumps, seriously. I wanted one of these but no, they did not look at girls like me. They went for those who offered much more than I could (read HOES). So when I got one, in my 20s I was on top of the world. I knew other girls liked or even loved him, but he chose me! Life was good. I like dto think that there was something special that he had seen in me and that is why he chose me. My 'high' didn't last for long, because I was one of many girls that he was seeing.

Back to the Youtube video guy...
What he does most, even in the 3 minute video, is play on his phone. I'm not sure whether he is texting or has some important e mail...nah, probably facebook stalking.

See that would drive me nuts if I was with him. And hat snapped me out of 'the zone'. I was thankful that I was with someone with whom I can have a conversation and I know he is listening.
Then the guy goes to a bus stop to wait for the bus. There's a beautiful girl also at the stop. Does he talk to her, even say good morning? NO! It was disappointing. I know it's a video, but it happens in real life. He totally checked her out but didn't say hi. It's like he is waiting for her to make the first move. Pitiful, just pitiful.
I have noticed that with attractive people- the ones that know that they are, they don't invest their time in developing a personalities. You know what I say to them? "You best get a personality soon coz your face won't last forever". Harsh? nah, It's perfect :)

Well I went off on a tangent there. So I remembered that I was vain, I was superficial, I was selfish. I'd like to think that I have grown out of that, and I'm happy that I have.

thankful

You know a song I really like- Human by The Killers. I absolutely love it and I'm not sure what emotion that song is reminiscent of but it gives me this feeling where I get very emotional. It's kind of like my life is defined by songs.
Do you have that? I mean songs that remind you a particular person or event or time in your life? Sometimes I like it- when it's good memories but I think Human was at a time that I was lost. I doubted everything and I had no prospects. I was home sick like hell and I was a lacklustre individual at the time. I had no passions, nothing could get me excited...I was surviving. Lifeless.

It's been a while since I last wrote on here. Partly because I think that I should just transfer to a journal and also because school is keeping me very busy. I might get a journal, I feel 'safer' that way. I think I can write about my very real feelings in a journal. I pray that it never gets into the wrong hands. Blogging is kinda fun, It was a fun project for me when I needed it, but I seem to never have the time to write. Oh I just remembered that I should write my youngest brother a letter. I want to surprise him that way. I think it will do him good. Nothing feels better than receiving a hand written letter. Its one of those things that should have stayed 'in vogue'. I like that personal touch letters have.

So what was I going to write about? I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful for health. I'm thankful that even if I don't have all that I could wish for write now- the important thigs in my life (right now) are taken care of. I'm thankful for a sound mind. I'm thankful for family and friends. I'm thankful.

I need to stop whining and start appreciating and being more thankful. I remember what I did to get over a certain someone who'd broken my heart. I served other people. I became that person who called up friends to see how they were doing. I called friends into my house and prepared dinner for them. I served others. It ceased to be all about me. It was all about my friends. And it felt dang good.

I need those endorphins. In giving, I get a high like no other. Endorphins are GOOOOOODDDDD. I need that high right now- coz I'm going down. I can feel it coming. So I'm going to start my youngest brother's letter. I'll make him my penpal...even though he may not be able to mail me a letter. I still will write him.

There's so much else that I wanna say but I cannot say it here. I think I'll be getting a journal. Thanks fellow bloggers or 'blog stalkers that hide in the shadows' I used to be one so I know. Take a plunge...write something and see how it feels. I may be talking to myself, but it works for me that I think someone reads this junk. I'll write good stuff here and the real stuff, will be in a journal.